The Big Drama Theory
by UltimateWarriorFan4Ever
Summary: A little parody of Total Drama and The Big Bang Theory. What happens when you mix four scientists and a smoking hot neighbor? Just all out nerdiness! Don't own. Episode 3 is done!
1. Ch 1: Pilot, Part 1

**"The Big Drama Theory"**

**Rated T**

**Disclaimer: I do not own "The Big Bang Theory" or the Total Drama series.**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 1: The CastPilot, Part 1**

**Okay, other than the Parodies that I do, this has to be the best idea I could ever come up with! Anyway, here is the cast of my Total Drama & The Big bang Theory parody entitled, The Big Drama Theory!**

Harold - Leonard Hofstadter

Bridgette - Penny

Cody - Sheldon Cooper

Ezekiel - Howard Wolowitz

Noah - Rajesh "Raj" Koothrappali

Gwen - Any Farrah Fowler

Beth - Bernadette Rostenkowski

Izzy - Leslie Winkle

**That's all I have for now, but I will promise that everyone from the Total Drama series will be on there. Now for the pilot!  
><strong>

* * *

><p><em>A corridor at a sperm bank. Harold McGrady Hofstadter and Cody Anderson Cooper arrive.<br>_

Cody: So if a photon is directed through a plane with two slits in it and either slit is observed it will not go through both slits. If it's unobserved it will, however, if it's observed after it's left the plane but before it hits its target, it will not have gone through both slits.

Harold: Agreed, what's your point?

Cody: There's no point, I just think it's a good idea for a tee-shirt.

Harold: Excuse me?

Receptionist: Hang on.

Harold: One across is Aegean, eight down is Nabakov, twenty-six across is MCM, fourteen down is… move your finger… phylum, which makes fourteen across Port-au-Prince. See, Papa Doc's capital idea, that's Port-au-Prince. Haiti.

Receptionist: Can I help you?

Harold: Yes. Um, is this the High IQ sperm bank?

Receptionist: If you have to ask, maybe you shouldn't be here.

Cody: I think this is the place.

Receptionist: Fill these out.

Harold: Thank-you. We'll be right back.

Receptionist: Oh, take your time. I'll just finish my crossword puzzle. Oh wait.

_They sit and begin to fill in forms._

Cody: Harold, I don't think I can do this.

Harold: What, are you kidding? You're a semi-pro.

Cody: No. We are committing genetic fraud. There's no guarantee that our sperm is going to generate high IQ offspring, think about that. I have a sister with the same basic DNA mix who hostesses at Fuddruckers.

Harold: Cody, this was your idea. A little extra money to get fractional T1 bandwidth in the apartment.

Cody: I know, and I do yearn for faster downloads, but there's some poor woman is going to pin her hopes on my sperm, what if she winds up with a toddler who doesn't know if he should use an integral or a differential to solve the area under a curve?

Harold: I'm sure she'll still love him.

Cody: I wouldn't.

Harold: Well, what do you want to do?

Cody: I want to leave.

Harold: Okay.

Cody: What's the protocol for leaving?

Harold: I don't know, I've never reneged on a proffer of sperm before.

Cody: Let's try just walking out.

Harold: Okay._  
><em>  
>Receptionist: Bye.<p>

Cody: Bye-bye.

Harold: See you.

_Cody and Harold leave._

* * *

><p><em>The stairs of the apartment building. Cody and Harold start climbing up together one by one.<br>_

Cody: Are you still mad about the sperm bank?

Harold: No.

Cody: You want to hear an interesting thing about stairs?

Harold: Not really.

Cody: If the height of a single step is off by as little as two millimetres, most people will trip.

Harold: I don't care. Two millimetres? That doesn't seem right.

Cody: No, it's true, I did a series of experiments when I was twelve, my father broke his clavicle.

Harold: Is that why they sent you to boarding school?

Cody: No, that was the result of my work with lasers.

_They see their neighbor's door instantly wide open._

Harold: New neighbor?

Cody: Evidently.

Harold: Significant improvement over the old neighbor.

Cody: Two hundred pound transvestite with a skin condition? Yes, she is.

_Their spunky, yet pretty new neighbor Bridgette steps into the door. She sees Harold and Cody.  
><em>

Bridgette: Oh, hi!

Harold: Hi.

Cody: Hi.

Harold: Hi.

Cody: Hi.

Bridgette: _(clueless)_ Hi?

Harold: We don't mean to interrupt, we live across the hall.

Bridgette: Oh, that's nice.

Harold: _(struggling)_ Oh… uh… no… we don't live together… um… we live together but in separate, heterosexual bedrooms.

Bridgette: Oh, okay, well, guess I'm your new neighbor, Bridgette.

Harold: Harold, Cody.

Bridgette: Hi.

Harold: Hi.

Cody: Hi.

Bridgette: Hi.

Harold: Hi. Well, uh, oh, welcome to the building.

Bridgette: Thank you, maybe we can have coffee sometime.

Harold: Oh, great.

Bridgette: Great.

Cody: Great.

Harold: Great. Well, bye.

Bridgette: Bye.

Cody: Bye.

Harold: Bye.

_Bridgette closes the door behind her._

Harold: Should we have invited her for lunch?

Cody: No. We're going to start Season Two of Battlestar Galactica.

Harold: We already watched the Season Two DVDs.

Cody: Not with commentary.

Harold: I think we should be good neighbours, invite her over, make her feel welcome.

Cody: We never invited Louis-slash-Louise over.

Harold: Well, then that was wrong of us. We need to widen our circle.

Cody: I have a very wide circle. I have 212 friends on myspace.

Harold: Yes, and you've never met one of them.

Cody: That's the beauty of it.

Harold: I'm going to invite her over. We'll have a nice meal and chat.

_Harold leaves the room._

Cody: Chat? We don't chat. At least not offline.

_Cody goes after Harold._

Harold: Well it's not difficult, you just listen to what she says and then you say something appropriate in response.

_Harold knocks on the door._

Cody: To what end?

_Bridgette comes out greeted by Cody and Harold again._

Harold: Hi. Again.

Bridgette: Hi.

Cody: Hi.

Harold: Hi.

Bridgette: Hi.

Harold: Anyway, um. We brought home Indian food. And, um. I know that moving can be stressful, and I find that when I'm undergoing stress, that good food and company can have a comforting effect. Also, curry is a natural laxative, and I don't have to tell you that, uh, a clean colon is just one less thing to worry about.

Cody: Harold, I'm not expert here but I believe in the context of a luncheon invitation, you might want to skip the reference to bowel movements.

Bridgette: Oh, you're inviting me over to eat?

Harold: Uh, yes.

Bridgette: Oh, that's so nice, I'd love to.

Harold: Great.

Bridgette: So, what do you guys do for fun around here?

Cody: Well, today we tried masturbating for money.

* * *

><p><em>Cody and Harold's apartment. Bridgette is still with them.<br>_

Harold: Okay, well, make yourself at home.

Bridgette: Okay, thank you.

Harold: You're very welcome.

Bridgette: This looks like some serious stuff, Harold, did you do this?

Cody: Actually that's my work.

Bridgette: Wow.

Cody: Yeah, well, it's just some quantum mechanics, with a little string theory doodling around the edges. That part there, that's just a joke, it's a spoof of the Bourne-Oppenheimer approximation.

Bridgette: So you're like, one of those, beautiful mind genius guys.

Cody: Yeah.

Bridgette: This is really impressive.

Harold: I have a board. If you like boards, this is my board.

Bridgette: Holy smokes.

Cody: If by holy smokes you mean a derivative restatement of the kind of stuff you can find scribbled on the wall of any men's room at MIT, sure.

Harold: What?

Cody: Oh, come on. Who hasn't seen this differential below "Here, I sit broken hearted?"

Harold: At least I didn't have to invent twenty-six dimensions just to make the math come out.

Cody: I didn't invent them, they're there.

Harold: In what universe?

Cody: In all of them, that is the point.

Bridgette: Uh, do you guys mind if I start?

_Bridgette starts to sit on the right spot on the sofa._

Cody: Um, Bridgette, that's where I sit.

Bridgette: So? Sit next to me.

Cody: No, I sit there.

Bridgette: What's the difference?

Cody: What's the difference?

Harold: _(groaning)_ Here we go...

Cody: In the winter that seat is close enough to the radiator to remain warm, and yet not so close as to cause perspiration. In the summer it's directly in the path of a cross breeze created by open windows there, and there. It faces the television at an angle that is neither direct, thus discouraging conversation, nor so far wide to create a parallax distortion, I could go on, but I think I've made my point.

Bridgette: Do you want me to move?

Cody: Well...

Harold: Just sit somewhere else.

Cody: Fine.

_Cody then wanders in circles, looking lost. Harold is a little annoyed by his wandering.  
><em>

Harold: _(forcely)_ Cody, sit!

_Cody sits on the left side of the sofa.  
><em>

Cody: _(pretends to be excited)_ Aaah.

Harold: Well, this is nice. We don't have a lot of company over.

Cody: That's not true. Koothrappali and Wolowitz come over all the time.

Harold: Yes I now, but…

Cody: Tuesday night, we played Klingon Boggle until one in the morning.

Harold: Yes, I remember.

Cody: I resent you saying we don't have company.

Harold: I'm sorry.

Cody: That is an antisocial implication.

Harold: I said I'm sorry.

Bridgette: So, Klingon Boggle?

Harold: Yeah, it's like regular Boggle but, in Klingon. That's probably enough about us, tell us about you.

Bridgette: Um, me, okay, I'm Sagittarius, which probably tells you way more than you need to know.

Cody: Yes, it tells us that you participate in the mass cultural delusion that the Sun's apparent position relative to arbitrarily defined constellations and the time of your birth somehow effects your personality.

Bridgette: Participate in the what?

Harold: I think what Cody's trying to say, is that Sagittarius wouldn't have been our first guess.

Bridgette: Oh, yeah, a lot of people think I'm a water sign. Okay, let's see, what else, oh, I'm a vegetarian, oh, except for fish, and the occasional steak, I love steak.

Cody: That's interesting. Harold can't process corn.

Harold: Wu-uh, do you have some sort of a job?

Bridgette: Oh, yeah, I'm a waitress at the Cheesecake Factory.

Harold: Oh, okay. I love cheesecake.

Cody: You're lactose intolerant.

Harold: _(to Cody)_ I don't eat it, I just think it's a good idea.

Bridgette: Oh, anyways, I'm also writing a screenplay. It's about this sensitive girl who comes to L.A. from Lincoln Nebraska to be an actress, and winds up a waitress at the Cheesecake Factory.

Harold: So it's based on your life?

Bridgette: No, I'm from Omaha.

Harold: Well, if that was a movie, I would go see it.

Bridgette: I know, right? Okay, let's see, what else? _(Thinks, but just gives up)_ Um, that's about it. That's the story of Bridgette.

Harold: Well, it sounds wonderful.

Bridgette: It was. Until I fell in love with a jerk.

Cody: _(mouthing, to Harold)_ What's happening.

Harold: _(mouths back, to Cody)_ I don't know.

Bridgette: Oh God, you know, four years I lived with him, four years, that's like as long as High School.

Cody: It took you four years to get through High School?

Harold: Don't...

Bridgette: I just, I can't believe I trusted him_.  
><em>

Harold: Should I say something? I feel like I should say something.

Cody: You? No, you'll only make it worse.

Bridgette: You want to know the most pathetic part? Even though I hate his lying, cheating guts, I still love him. Is that crazy?

Cody: Yes.

Harold: No, it's not crazy it's, uh, uh, it's a paradox. And paradoxes are part of nature, think about light. Now if you look at Huygens, light is a wave, as confirmed by the double slit experiments, but then, along comes Albert Einstein and discovers that light behaves like particles too. Well, I didn't make it worse.

Bridgette: Oh, I'm so sorry, I'm such a mess, and on top of everything else I'm all gross from moving and my stupid shower doesn't even work.

Harold: Our shower works.

Bridgette: Really? Would it be totally weird if I used it?

Cody: Yes.

Harold: No.

Cody: No?

Harold: No.

Cody: No.

Harold: _(to Bridgette)_ It's right down the hall.

Bridgette: Thanks. You guys are really sweet.

_Bridgette leaves to go to their bathroom. Harold looks very interested in Bridgette.  
><em>

Cody: Well this is an interesting development.

Harold: How so?

Cody: It has been some time since we've had a woman take her clothes off in our apartment.

Harold: That's not true, remember at Thanksgiving, my grandmother with Alzheimer's had that episode.

Cody: Point taken. It has been some time since we've had a woman take her clothes off after which we didn't want to rip our eyes out.

Harold: The worst part was watching her carve that turkey.

Cody: So, what exactly are you trying to accomplish here?

Harold: Excuse me?

Cody: That woman in there's not going to have sex with you.

Harold: Well, I'm not trying to have sex with her.

Cody: Oh, good. Then you won't be disappointed.

Harold: What makes you think she wouldn't have sex with me, I'm a male and she's a female?

Cody: Yes, but not of the same species.

Harold: I'm not going to engage in hypotheticals here, I'm just trying to be a good neighbor.

Cody: Oh, of course.

Harold: That's not to say that if a carnal relationship were to develop that I wouldn't participate. However briefly.

Cody: Do you think this possibility will be helped or hindered when she discovers your Luke Skywalker no-more-tears shampoo?

Harold: It's Darth Vader shampoo. _(There is a knock on the door.)_ Luke Skywalker's the conditioner.

_Harold opens the door in which his friends Ezekiel Wolowitz and Noah Koothrappali appear. Ezekiel has brought out a movie projector.  
><em>

Ezekiel: Wait till you see this.

Noah: It's fantastic. Unbelievable.

Harold: See what?

Ezekiel: It's a Stephen Hawking lecture from MIT in 1974.

Harold: This is not a good time.

Ezekiel: It's before he became a creepy computer voice:.

Harold: That's great, you guys have to go.

Noah: Why?

Harold: It's just not a good time.

Cody: Harold has a lady over.

Ezekiel: Yeah, right, your grandmother back in town?

Harold: No. And she's not a lady, she's just a new neighbor.

Ezekiel: Hang on, there really is a lady here?

Harold: Uh-huh.

Ezekiel: And you want us out because you're anticipating coitus?

Harold: I'm not anticipating coitus.

Ezekiel: So she's available for coitus?

Harold: _(irritated)_ Can we please stop saying "coitus"?

Cody: Technically that would be coitus interruptus.

_Bridgette then gets out of the bathroom._

Bridgette: Hey, is there a trick to getting it to switch from tub to shower.

_Bridgette then sees Ezekiel and Noah with her own emerald eyes._

Bridgette: Oh. Hi, sorry. Hello!

Ezekiel:_ (approaches Bridgette)_ Enchante Madamoiselle. Ezekiel Wolowitz, Cal-Tech department of Applied Physics. You may be familiar with some of my work, it's currently orbiting Jupiter's largest moon taking high-resolution digital photographs.

Bridgette: Bridgette. I work at the Cheesecake Factory.

Harold: Come on, I'll show you the trick with the shower.

Ezekiel: Bon douche.

Bridgette: _(to Ezekiel)_ I'm sorry?

Ezekiel: It's French for 'good shower'. It's a sentiment I can express in six languages.

Harold: Save it for your blog, Ezekiel.

Ezekiel: _(retardedly)_ See-ka-tong-guay-jow.

* * *

><p><strong>Interesting beginning, huh? More Big Bang Dramatic-ness will come through in Part 2 after you read and review! BAZINGA!<strong>


	2. Ch 2: Pilot, Part 2

**"The Big Drama Theory"**

**Rated T**

**Disclaimer: I do not own "The Big Bang Theory" or the Total Drama series.**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 2: Pilot, Part 2<strong>

_In the bathroom. Harold looks into it._**_  
><em>**

Harold: Uh, there it goes, it sticks, I'm sorry.

Bridgette: Okay. Thanks.

Harold: You're welcome, oh, you're going to step right, okay, I'll….

_Harold is about to leave, but Bridgette stops him._

Bridgette: Hey, Harold?

Harold: The hair products are Cody's.

Bridgette: Um, okay. Can I ask you a favour.

Harold: A favor? Sure, you can ask me a favor, I would do you a favor for you.

Bridgette: It's okay if you say no.

Harold: Oh, I'll probably say yes.

Bridgette: It's just not the kind of thing, you ask a guy you've just met.

Harold: Wow...

* * *

><p><em>Harold and Cody are inside Harold's car, as he is driving and sharing a conversation.<br>_

Cody: I really think we should examine the chain of causality here.

Leonard: Must we?

Cody: Event "A". A beautiful woman stands naked in our shower. Event "B". We drive half way across town to retrieve a television set from the aforementioned woman's ex-boyfriend. Query, on what plane of existence is there even a semi-rational link between these events?

Harold: She asked me to do her a favor, Cody

Cody: Ah, yes, well that may be the proximal cause of our journey, but we both know it only exists in contradistinction to the higher level distal cause.

Harold: Which is?

Cody: You think with your penis.

Harold: That's a biological impossibility and you didn't have to come.

Cody: Oh, right, yes, I could have stayed behind and watched Wolowitz try to hit on Bridgette in Russian, Arabic and Farsi. Why can't she get her own TV?

Harold: Come on, you know how it is with break-ups.

Cody: No, I don't. And neither do you.

Harold: Wuh, I, I broke up with Joyce Kim.

Cody: You did not break up with Joyce Kim, she defected to North Korea.

Harold: To mend her broken heart. This situation is much less complicated. There's some kind of dispute between Bridgette and her ex-boyfriend as to who gets custody of the TV. She just wanted to avoid having a scene with him.

Cody: So we get to have a scene with him?

Harold: No, Cody, there's not going to be a scene. There's two of us and one of him.

Cody: Harold, the two of us can't even carry a TV.

* * *

><p><em>Back at the apartment. Bridgette is both talking to both Noah and Ezekiel on the couch.<br>_

Bridgette: _(to Noah)_ So, you guys work with Harold and Cody at the University?

_Noah looks at her, looks back at his food, and takes a mouthful._

Bridgette: Uh, I'm sorry, do you speak English?

Ezekiel: Oh, he speaks English, he just can't speak to women.

Bridgette: Really, why?

Ezekiel: He's kind of a nerd. _(offers her a juice box)_ Juice box?

* * *

><p><em>Harold and Bridgette approach Bridgette's old apartment building.<em>

Harold: _(pushes buzzer)_ I'll do the talking.

Voice from buzzer: _Yeah?_

Harold: Hi, I'm Harold, this is Cody.

Cody: Hello.

Harold: What did I just…. Uh, we're here to pick up Bridgette's TV.

Voice: _Get lost._

Cody: Okay, thanks for your time.

Harold: We're not going to give up just like that.

Cody: Harold, the TV is in the building, we've been denied access to the building, ergo we are done.

Harold: Excuse me, if I were to give up at the first little hitch I never would have been able to identify the fingerprints of string theory in the aftermath of the big bang.

Cody: My apologies. What's your plan?

_Harold starts rattling the doors violently._

Cody: It's just a privilege to watch your mind at work.

Harold: Come on, we have a combined IQ of 360, we should be able to figure out how to get into a stupid building.

_Two girl scouts arrive carrying bags of cookies. One runs her hand down the intercom, pushing all the buttons. The door is buzzed open._

Cody: What do you think their combined IQ is?

Harold: Just grab the door.

* * *

><p><em>Harold and Cody approach Bridgette's ex-boyfriend's apartment.<em>

Harold: This is it. _(Knocks)_ I'll do the talking.

Cody: Good thinking, I'll just be the muscle.

_An enormous man emerges out the door. He looks down at Cody and Harold._

Enormous man: Yeah?

Harold: I'm Harold, this is Cody.

Cody: From the intercom.

Man: How the hell did you get in the building?

Harold: Oh. We're scientists.

Cody: _(to Harold)_ Tell him about our IQ.

* * *

><p><em>Outside the apartment building, Harold and Cody exit as they are not wearing trousers. They have been pantsed.<br>_

Cody: Harold.

Harold: _(annoyed)_ What?

Cody: My mom bought me those pants.

Harold: I'm sorry.

Cody: You're going to have to call her.

_They soon climb up all the way to the stairs of Sheldon and Leonard's building._

Harold: Cody, I'm so sorry I dragged you through this.

Cody: It's okay. It wasn't my first pantsing, and it won't be my last.

Harold: And you were right about my motives, I was hoping to establish a relationship with Bridgette that might have some day led to sex.

Cody: Well, you got me out of my pants.

Harold: Anyway, I've learned my lesson. She's out of my league, I'm done with her, I've got my work, one day I'll win the Nobel Prize and then I'll die alone.

Cody: Don't think like that, you're not going to die alone.

Harold: Thank you Cody, you're a good friend.

Cody: And you're certainly not going to win a Nobel Prize.

* * *

><p><em>Inside Cody and Harold's apartment. Ezekiel is showing Bridgette something on his computer, basically from "World of Warcraft".<br>_

Ezekiel: This is one of my favorite places to kick back after a quest, they have a great house ale.

Bridgette: Wow, cool tiger...

Ezekiel: Yeah, I've had him since level ten. His name is Buttons. Anyway, if you had your own game character, we could hang out, maybe go on a quest.

Bridgette: Uh, sounds interesting.

Ezekiel: So you'll think about it?

Bridgette: Oh, I don't think I'll be able to stop thinking about it.

Noah: Smooth...

_Harold and Cody come inside._

Harold: We're home.

Bridgette: Oh, my God, what happened?

Harold: Well, your ex-boyfriend sends his regards and I think the rest is fairly self-explanatory.

Bridgette: I'm so sorry, I really thought if you guys went instead of me he wouldn't be such an ass.

Harold: No, it was a valid hypothesis.

Cody: That was a valid hypothesis? _(to Harold)_ What is happening to you?

Bridgette: Really, thank you so much for going and trying you're, uh, you're so terrific. Why don't you put some clothes on, I'll get my purse and dinner is on me, okay?

Harold: Really? Great.

Cody: Thank you. You're not done with her, are you?

Harold: Our babies will be smart and beautiful.

Cody: Not to mention imaginary.

* * *

><p><em>All five in Harold's car driving. Harold is behind the wheel as Ezekiel is right by him. Bridgette, Cody, and Noah are in the back.<br>_

Harold: Is Thai food okay with you, Bridgette?

Bridgette: Sure.

Cody: We can't have Thai food, we had Indian for lunch.

Bridgette: So?

Cody: They're both curry based cuisines.

Bridgette: So?

Cody: They would be gastronomically redundant. I can see we're going to have to spell out everything for this girl.

Bridgette: _(to Noah)_ Any ideas, Noah?

_Noah just looks at Bridgette with a worried expression._

Ezekiel: Turn left on Lake Street and head up to Colorado. I know a wonderful little sushi bar that has karaoke.

Bridgette: That sounds like fun.

_Harold turns on the radio in which Mac Davis's "Baby Don't Get Hooked On Me" plays. Ezekiel sings along with the lyrics._

Ezekiel: _(sings)_ Baby, baby don't get hooked on me. Uh, baby, baby don't get hooked on me...

Cody: _(to Harold)_ I don't know what your odds are in the world as a whole, but as far as the population of this car goes, you're a veritable Mack Daddy...

* * *

><p><strong>Man, what a debut that was for "The Big Drama Theory"!<strong>

**Next episode will be the exciting, "The Big Bran Hypothesis" coming up after you read and review! BAZINGA!**


	3. Ch 3: The Big Bran Hypothesis, Part 1

**"The Big Drama Theory"**

**Rated T**

**Disclaimer: I do not own "The Big Bang Theory" or the Total Drama series.**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 3: The Big Bran Hypothesis, Part 1<strong>

_Harold and Cody's apartment. Cody, Harold, Ezekiel and Noah are present. Harold is handing out food._

Harold: There you go, Pad Thai, no peanuts.

Ezekiel: But does it have peanut oil?

Harold: Uh, I'm not sure, everyone keep an eye on Howard in case he starts to swell up.

Cody: Since it's not bee season, you can have my epinephrine.

Noah: Are there any chopsticks?

Cody: You don't need chopsticks, this is Thai food.

Harold: _(tiredlessly)_ Here we go...

Cody: Thailand has had the fork since the latter half of the nineteenth century. Interestingly they don't actually put the fork in their mouth, they use it to put the food on a spoon which then goes into their mouth.

Harold: Ask him for a napkin, I dare you. _(There is a knock on the door)_ I'll get it.

Ezekiel: Do I look puffy? I feel puffy.

_Harold opens the door to Bridgette, who steps into the hallway._

Bridgette: Hey, Harold.

Harold: Oh, hi Bridgette.

Bridgette: Am I interrupting?

Harold: No.

Cody: _(to Ezekiel)_ You're not swelling, Howard.

Ezekiel: No, no, look at my fingers, they're like Vienna sausages.

Bridgette: Sounds like you have company.

Harold: They're not going anywhere.

_Harold closes the door behind him, as he and Bridgette are staying in the hallway._

Harold: So, you're coming home from work? That's great. How was work?

Bridgette: Well, you know, it's the Cheesecake Factory. People order cheesecake, and I bring it to them.

Harold: So, you sort of act as a carbohydrate delivery system.

Bridgette: Yeah, call it whatever you want, I get minimum wage. Yeah, anyways, I was wondering if you could help me out with something, I was….

Harold: Yes.

Bridgette: Oh. Okay, great, I'm having some furniture delivered tomorrow, and I may not be here, so…

_The apartment door opens as Cody, Noah and Ezekiel appear behind Harold._

Bridgette:_ (to the guys behind Harold)_ Oh! Hel…hello!

Ezekiel:_ (speaks a phrase in Russian) _Hofkansdmas_  
><em>

Bridgette: I'm sorry?

Ezekiel: Haven't you ever been told how beautiful you are in flawless Russian?

Bridgette: No, I haven't.

Ezekiel: Get used to it.

Bridgette: Yeah, I probably won't, but… Hey, Cody.

Cody: Hi.

Bridgette: Hey, Noah! _(Noah looks uncomfortable)_ Still not talking to me, huh?

Cody: Don't take it personally, it's his pathology, he can't talk to women.

Ezekiel: He can't talk to attractive women, or in your case a cheesecake–scented Goddess!

Harold: So, there's gonna be some furniture delivered?

Bridgette: Yeah, yeah, if it gets here and I'm not here tomorrow, could you just sign for it and have them put it in my apartment?

Harold: Yeah, no problem.

Bridgette: _(handing Harold the key)_ Great, here's my spare key. Thank you.

Harold: Bridgette, wait.

Bridgette: Yeah?

Harold: Um, if you don't have any other plans, do you want to join us for Thai food and a Superman movie marathon?

Bridgette: A marathon? Wow, how many Superman movies are there?

Harold: You're kidding, right?

Penny: Yeah, I do like the one where Lois Lane falls from the helicopter and Superman swooshes down and catches her, which one was that?

Harold, Cody & Ezekiel: One.

_Noah raises one finger as he is still uncomfortable_.

Harold: You realize that scene was rife with scientific inaccuracy.

Bridgette: Yes, I know, men can't fly.

Cody: Oh no, let's assume that they can. Lois Lane is falling, accelerating at an initial rate of 32 feet per second per second. Superman swoops down to save her by reaching out two arms of steel. Miss Lane, who is now travelling at approximately 120 miles per hour, hits them, and is immediately sliced into three equal pieces.

Harold: Unless, Superman matches her speed and decelerates.

Cody: In what space, sir, in what space? She's two feet above the ground. Frankly, if he really loved her, he'd let her hit the pavement. It would be a more merciful death.

Harold: Excuse me, your entire argument is predicated on the assumption that Superman's flight is a feat of strength.

Cody: Are you listening to yourself? It is well established that Superman's flight is a feat of strength, it is an extension of his ability to leap tall buildings, an ability he derives from Earth's yellow Sun.

Ezekiel: Yeah, and you don't have a problem with that, how does he fly at night.

Cody: Uh, a combination of the moon's solar reflection and the energy storage capacity of Kryptonian skin cells.

Bridgette: I'm just going to go wash up.

Harold: I have 26 hundred comic books in there, I challenge you to find a single reference to Kryptonian skin cells.

Cody: Challenge accepted.

_Cody tries to open their door, but couldn't._

Cody: We're locked out.

Noah: Also, the pretty girl left...

* * *

><p><em>Ground floor hallway of the apartment building. Harold is signing for the delivery.<em>

Harold: Okay, her apartment's on the fourth floor but the elevator's broken so you're going to have to- _(delivery man leaves)_ Oh, you're just going to be done, okay, cool, thanks. I guess we'll just bring it up ourselves.

Cody: I hardly think so.

Harold: Why not?

Cody: Well, we don't have a dolly, or lifting belts, or any measurable upper body strength.

Harold: We don't need strength, we're physicists. We are the intellectual descendents of Archimedes. Give me a fulcrum and a lever and I can move the Earth, it's just a matter… _(starts to move package)_ I don't have this… I don't have this, I don't have this.

Cody: Archimedes would be so proud.

Harold: Do you have any ideas?

Cody: Yes, but they all involve a green lantern and a power ring.

_Harold and Cody are now lowering the package onto the bottom of the stairs._

Harold: Easy, easy..._(package falls)_ Okay! Now we've got an inclined plane. The force required to lift is reduced by the sine of the angle of the stairs, call it thirty degrees, so about half.

Cody: Exactly half.

Harold: _(snarkily)_ Exactly half. Let's push. Okay, see, it's moving, this is easy, all in the math.

Cody: What's your formula for the corner?

Harold: What? Oh, okay, uh, okay, yeah, no problem, just come up here and help me pull and turn.

_Harold heads up the stairs. The package slides back down to the bottom._

Cody: Ah, gravity, thou art a heartless bitch.

_They now have the package on an upstairs hallway, not their own._

Cody: You do understand that our efforts here will in no way increase the odds of you having sexual congress with this woman?

Harold: Men do things for women without expecting sex.

Cody: Yeah, those are men who just had sex.

Harold: I'm doing this to be a good neighbor. In any case, there's no way it could lower the odds.

_The hallway of their floor, they are nearing the top of the staircase._

Harold: Almost there, almost there, almost there.

_They both let go of the package, but it starts to slip down._

Cody: No we're not, no we're not, no we're not.

_Inside Penny's apartment. They are laying the package down on the floor._

Harold: Watch your fingers. Watch your fingers. Oh God, my fingers!

Cody: You okay?

Harold: No, it hurt…

_Harold's looking around at Bridgette's place. It is a little messy.  
><em>

Cody: Great Caesar's Ghost, look at this place?

Harold: So Penny's a little messy.

Cody: A little messy? The Mandelbrot set of complex numbers is a little messy, this is chaos. Excuse me, explain to me an organisational system where a tray of flatware on a couch is valid. I'm just inferring that this is a couch, because the evidence suggests the coffee table's having a tiny garage sale.

Harold: Did it ever occur to you that not everyone has the compulsive need to sort, organise and label the entire world around them?

Cody: No.

Harold: Well they don't. Hard as it may be for you to believe, most people don't sort their breakfast cereal numerically by fibre content.

Cody: Excuse me, but I think we've both found that helpful at times.

Harold: Come on, we should go.

Cody: Hang on.

Harold: What are you doing?

Cody: Straightening up.

Harold: Cody, this is not your home.

Cody: This is not anyone's home, this is a swirling vortex of entropy.

Harold: When the transvestite lived here, you didn't care how he kept the place.

Cody: Because it was immaculate, I mean, you open that man's closet, it was left to right, evening gowns, cocktail dresses, then his police uniforms.

Harold: What were you doing in his closet?

Cody: I helped run some cable for a webcam.

_Bridgette then enters and approaches Cody and Harold._

Bridgette: Hey, guys.

Harold: Oh, hey Bridgette, this just arrived, we just brought this up, just now.

Bridgette: Great. Was it hard getting it up the stairs?

Cody: _(sucks in breath)_

Harold: No.

Cody: _(to Harold)_ No?

Harold: _(to Cody)_ No.

Cody: _(to Bridgette)_ No.

Harold: Well, we'll get out of your hair.

Bridgette: Oh, great, thank you again.

_Bridgette throws her jacket over the back of the sofa_.

Cody: Bridgette, I just want you to know that, you don't have to live like this. I'm here for you.

Bridgette: What's he talking about?

Harold: It's a joke.

Bridgette: I don't get it.

Cody: Yeah, he didn't tell it right.

* * *

><p><em>Harold's bedroom, he is asleep. The sound of door opening and closing somewhere else is heard. Harold wakes up, puts on his glasses and looks at the clock. It is 2:16.<em>

Harold: Cody?

_The living room. Harold enters carrying a light saber._

Harold: Cody? Hello?

_Harold notices front door is open, as he turns off the light saber. He then goes inside Bridgette's apartment where Bridgette is sleeping and Cody is cleaning. Harold enters and sees Cody.  
><em>

Harold: Cody!

Cody: _(quietly)_ Sssshhhh! Bridgette's sleeping...

Harold: Are you insane, you can't just break into a woman's apartment in the middle of the night and clean.

Cody: I had no choice. I couldn't sleep knowing that just outside my bedroom was our living room, and just outside our living room was that hallway, and immediately adjacent to that hallway was… this.

Harold: Do you realize that if Bridgette wakes up, there's no reasonable explanation as to why we're here?

Cody: I just gave you a reasonable explanation.

Harold: No, no. You gave me an explanation, it's reasonableness will be determined by a jury of your peers.

Cody: Don't be ridiculous. I have no peers.

Harold: Cody, we have to get out of here.

_Bridgette snores._

Cody: You might want to speak in a lower register.

Harold: What?

Cody: Evolution has made women sensitive to high pitched noises while they sleep, so that they'll be roused by a crying baby. If you want to avoid waking her, speak in a lower register.

Harold: That's ridiculous.

_Bridgette snores again._

Cody: No. _(lowering his voice dramatically)_ That's ridiculous.

Harold: _(doing likewise)_ Fine. I accept your premise, now please, let's go.

Cody: I am not leaving until I'm done.

_Harold: O-o-o-oh!_

_Harold collapses against a wall in which there is a medium-sized hole in it._

Cody: If you have time to lean, you have time to clean.

Harold: Oh, what the hell...

* * *

><p><strong>Oh, crap. What will Bridgette's reaction be when she wakes up?<strong>

**I'm sorry, I was gonna watch this on YouTube, but I just figured I make this up just for my fic.**

**Part II will being after you read and review!  
><strong>


	4. Ch 4: The Big Bran Hypothesis, Part 2

**"The Big Drama Theory"**

**Rated T**

**Disclaimer: I do not own "The Big Bang Theory" or the Total Drama series.**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 4: The Big Bran Hypothesis, Part 2<strong>

_Sheldon and Leonard's living room. It is morning as Cody enters, singing to himself. _

Cody: Morning.

Harold: Morning.

Cody: I have to say, I slept splendidly. Granted, not long, but just deeply and well.

Harold: I'm not surprised. A well known folk cure for insomnia is to break into your neighbor's apartment and clean.

Cody: Sarcasm?

Harold: You think?

Cody: Granted, my methods may have been somewhat unorthodox, but I think the end result will be a measurable enhancement of Bridgette's quality of life.

Harold: You know what, you've convinced me, maybe tonight we should sneak in and shampoo her carpet.

Cody: You don't think that crosses a line?

Leonard: Yes! For God's sake, Sheldon, do I have to hold up a sarcasm sign every time I open my mouth.

Cody: You have a sarcasm sign?

Leonard: No, I do not have a sarcasm sign.

Cody: Do you want some cereal? I'm feeling so good today I'm going to choose from the low fiber end of the shelf. _(looks at the cereal box)_ Hello, Honey Puffs.

Bridgette: _(v.o.)_ SON OF A BITCH!

Harold: Bridgette's up.

Bridgette: _(v.o.)_ You sick, geeky bastards!

Harold: How did she know it was us?

Cody: I may have left a suggested organizational schematic for her bedroom closet.

Bridgette: _(voice off)_ HAROLD!

Harold: God, this is going to be bad...

Cody: _(switching boxes)_ Goodbye, Honey Puffs, hello Big Bran.

_Bridgette __enters, looking very pissed off._

Bridgette: _(to Harold)_ You came into my apartment last night when I was sleeping?

Harold: Yes, but, only to clean.

Cody: Really more to organize, you're not actually dirty, per se.

Bridgette: Give me back my key.

Harold: I'm very, very sorry.

Bridgette: Do you understand how creepy this is?

Harold: Oh, yes, we discussed it at length last night.

Bridgette: In my apartment, while I was sleeping.

Harold: And snoring. And that's probably just a sinus infection, but it could be sleep apnoea, you might want to see an otolaryngologist. It's a throat doctor.

Bridgette: And what kind of doctor removes shoes from asses?

Cody: Depending on the depth, that's either a proctologist or a general surgeon.

_Harold then holds up a sign reading "Sarcasm"._

Cody: Oh!

Penny: God!

Harold: Okay, look, no Bridgette, I think what you're feeling is perfectly valid, and maybe a little bit later today when you're feeling a little bit less, for lack of a better word, violated, maybe we could talk about this some more.

Bridgette: Stay away from me.

Harold: Sure, that's another way to go.

Cody: Bridgette, Bridgette, just to clarify because there will be a discussion when you leave, is your objection solely to our presence in the apartment while you were sleeping, or do you also object to the imposition of a new organisational paradigm.

_Bridgette stares at both Cody and Harold in disbelief, then leaves._

Cody: Well, that was a little non-responsive.

Harold: You are going to march yourself over there right now and apologise. _(Cody laughs.)_ What's funny?

Cody: That wasn't sarcasm?

Harold: No.

Cody: Wooh, boy, you are all over the place this morning.

_Cody leaves the apartment and knocks on Bridgette's door._

Cody: I have a masters and two PhD's, I should not have to do this.

Bridgette: _(opening door)_ What?

Cody: I am truly sorry for what happened last night, I take full responsibility. And I hope that it won't color your opinion of Harold, who is not only a wonderful guy, but also, I hear, a gentle and thorough lover.

_Bridgette closes the door in Cody's face as he walks away._

Cody: I did what I could...

* * *

><p><em>The stairwell. Noah is coming up the stairs as he meets Bridgette who is going down.<em>

Bridgette: Hey, Noah.

_Noah just stands there looking uncomfortable and shy._

Bridgette: Hey, listen, I don't know if you heard about what happened last night with Harold and Cody, but I'm really upset about it, I mean they just, they let themselves into my place, and then they cleaned it, I mean can you even believe that? How weird is that?

_W__hile Bridgette continues to talk, Noah is thinking. _

Noah: _(thinking)_ Ooh, she's standing very close to me. Oh my, she does smell good. What is that, vanilla?

Bridgette: You know, where I come from, someone comes into your house at night, you shoot, okay? And you don't shoot to wound. I mean, alright, my sister shot her husband, but it was an accident, they were drunk. What was I saying?

Noah: _(thinking)_ She's so chatty. Maybe my parents are right. Maybe I'd be better off with an Indian girl. We'd have the same cultural background, and my wife would sing to my children the same lullabies my mother sang to me.

Bridgette: It's obvious that they meant well, but I'm just, I'm having a really rough time, like I said, I broke up with my boyfriend, and it's just freaking me out.

_Noah __internally sings an Indian lullaby while thinking.  
><em>

Bridgette: I mean, just because most of the men I've known in my life happen to be jerks, doesn't mean I should just assume Harold and Cody are. Right?

Noah: _(thinking)_ She asked me a question... I should probably nod.

_Noah nods at her._

Bridgette: That's exactly what I thought. Thank you for listening. You're a doll.

_Bridgette hugs Noah, in which he feels surprised.  
><em>

Noah: _(thinking)_ Oh-oh. Turn your pelvis...

_Noah turns his pelvis as Bridgette is still hugging him._

* * *

><p><em>Cody and Harold's living room. Ezekiel is there, playing on a dance video jumps off the game mat and looks at Harold.<br>_

Ezekiel: Grab a napkin, homie. You just got served.

Harold: It's fine. You win.

Ezekiel: _(to Cody)_ What's his problem?

Cody: His imaginary girlfriend broke up with him.

Ezekiel: Been there.

_Noah then enters._

Noah: Hello. Sorry I'm late. But I was in the hallway, chatting up Bridgette.

Ezekiel: Really? You? Noah Koothrappali, spoke to Bridgette?

Noah: Actually, I was less the chatter than the chattee.

Harold: What did she say? Is she still mad at me?

Noah: Well, she was upset at first, but, probably because her sister shot somebody. Then there was something about you and… then she hugged me.

Ezekiel: She hugged you? How did she hug you? _(Noah hugs Ezekiel)_ Is that her perfume I smell?

Noah: Intoxicating, isn't it?

* * *

><p><em>The hallway. Harold puts a note under Bridgette's door as it opens.<em>

Bridgette: Hi.

Harold: Oh.

Bridgette: What's going on?

Harold: Um, here's the thing. _(Reads from note)_ Bridgette. Just as Oppenheimer came to regret his contributions to the first atomic bomb, so too I regret my participation in what was, at the very least, an error in judgement. The hallmark of the great human experiment is the willingness to recognize one's mistakes. Some mistakes, such as Madame Curie's discovery of Radium turned out to have great scientific potential even though she would later die a slow, painful death from radiation poisoning. Another example, from the field of ebola research….

Bridgette: Harold.

Harold: Yeah?

Bridgette: _(hugging him)_ We're okay.

_Bridgette kisses him on the cheek as she closes door. Harold looks happy, walks back across hallway and straight into the apartment door.  
><em>

* * *

><p><em>Bridgette's apartment. Cody and Harold are trying to construct furniture.<em>

Harold: Six two inch dowels.

Cody: Check.

Harold: One package, Phillips head screws.

Cody: Check.

Bridgette: Guys, seriously, I grew up on a farm, okay, I rebuilt a tractor engine when I was like twelve, I think I can put together a cheap Swedish media centre.

Harold: No, please, we insist, it's the least we can do considering.

Cody: Considering what? How great this place looks?

_Ezekiel appears across the room with Noah._

Ezekiel: Oh boy, I was afraid of this.

Harold: What?

Ezekiel: These instructions are a pictographic representation of the least imaginative way to assemble these components. This right here is why Sweden has no space program, eh?

Bridgette: Well, uh, it looked pretty good in the store.

Harold: It is an inefficient design, for example Bridgette has a flat screen TV, which means all the space behind it is wasted.

Cody: We could put her stereo back there.

Harold: And control it how?

Cody: Run an infra-red repeater, photocell here, emitter here, easy peasy.

_Noah whispers in Ezekiel's ear, looking a bit strangleholded._

Ezekiel: Good point, how you gonna cool it?

Bridgette: Hey guys, I got this.

Cody: Hang on, Bridgette. How about fans, here and here?

Harold: Also inefficient, and might be loud.

Ezekiel: How about liquid coolant? Maybe a little aquarium pump here, run some quarter inch PVC…

Bridgette: Guys, this is actually really simple.

Ezekiel: Hold on, honey, men at work. The PVC comes down here, maybe a little corrugated sheet metal as a radiator here.

Harold: Oh, really, show me where we put a drip tray, a sluice and an overflow reservoir?

Cody: And if water is involved we're going to have to ground the crap out of the thing.

Bridgette: Guys, it's hot in here, I think I'll just take off all my clothes.

Harold: Oh, I've got it. How about if we replace panels A, B and F and crossbar H with aircraft grade aluminium?

Cody: Right, then the entire thing's one big heat sink.

Ezekiel: Perfect, Harold, why don't you and Cody go down to the junk yard and pick up about six square metres of scrap aluminium, Noah and I will run down to my lab and get the oxy-acetaline torch, eh?

Harold: Meet back here in an hour?

Ezekiel: Done.

Harold: Got it.

_The rest of the guys leave. Which leaves Bridgette to wander around the room. She's impressed of what the guys have done so far._

Bridgette: Okay, this place does look pretty good...

* * *

><p><strong>Leave it to Noah to be nervous around a girl...<strong>

**Next up will be Izzy's debut in the next episode, "The Fuzzy Boots Corollary"! Read and review until then!**


	5. Ch 5: The Fuzzy Boots Corollary, Part 1

**"The Big Drama Theory"**

**Rated T**

**Disclaimer: I do not own "The Big Bang Theory" or the Total Drama series.**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 5: The Fuzzy Boots Corollary, Part 1<br>**

_Cody and Harold's apartment. Cody, Harold, Ezekiel and Noah are all using laptops and are wearing microphone headsets. They seem to be playing a MMORPG.  
><em>

Ezekiel: Alright, just a few more feet, and…. here we are gentlemen, the Gates of Elzebub.

Cody: Good lord!

Noah: Oooh.

Harold: Don't panic, this is what the last 97 hours have been about.

Ezekiel: Stay frosty, there's a horde of armed goblins on the other side of that gate guarding the Sword of Azeroth.

Harold: Warriors, unsheathe your weapons, magic wielders raise your wands.

Cody: Lock and load.

Ezekiel: Noah, blow up the gates.

Noah: Blowing the gates. Control, shift, B! Oh, my God, so many goblins!

Ezekiel: Don't just stand there, slash and move, slash and move!

Harold: Stay in formation.

Ezekiel: Harold, you've got one on your tail, eh?

Harold: That's alright, my tail's prehensile, I'll swat him off.

Noah: I've got him, Harold! Tonight I spice my meat with goblin blood!

Harold: Noah, no, it's a trap, they're flanking us!

Noah: Oooh, he's got me.

Ezekiel: Harold, he's got Noah, use your sleath spell. Sheldon! Sheldon!

Cody: _(exclaiming)_ I've got the Sword of Azeroth!

Harold: Forget the sword, Cody, help Noah.

Cody: There is no more Cody, I am the Swordmaster!

Ezekiel: Harold, look out!

Harold: Dammit man, we're dying here.

Cody: Goodbye, peasants...

Harold: The bastard teleported!

Noah: He's selling the Sword of Azeroth on eBay!

Harold: _(to Cody)_ You betrayed us for money, who are you?

Cody: I'm a rogue knight elf, don't you people read character descriptions? _(realizes)_ Wait, wait, wait, somebody just clicked "buy it now."

Ezekiel: _(celebrating)_ I am the Swordmaster!

* * *

><p><em>The guys are still in Harold and Cody's apartment, just acting beat from their game.<em>

Cody: Wooh, I'm all sweaty, anybody want to log on to second life and go swimming, I just built a virtual pool.

Harold: No, I can't look at you or your avatar right now.

_A sound of female laughter is heard right out in the hall._

Ezekiel: Sounds like your neighbor's home.

Harold: Excuse me.

Cody: Don't forget the mail you took accidentally on purpose so you'd have an excuse to talk to her.

Harold: Oh, right, right right right right.

Ezekiel: Stealing snail mail, very old school, I like it.

Harold: _(exiting to hallway)_: Bridgette, the mailman did it again, he…

_Harold looks up to see Bridgette kissing a hunky man. _

Harold: Oh! Sorry.

Bridgette: _(to Harold)_ Um, no, hi Harold, this is Doug, Doug, this is my neighbor, Harold.

Man: What's up, bro?

Harold: Not much. Bro...

Bridgette: Is, is everything okay?

Harold: Uh, yeah, uh, I just, I got your mail again, here.

_Harold then hands Bridgette the mail._

Bridgette: Thank you, I've got to talk to that mailman.

Harold: Oh no, that's probably not such a good idea. Civil servants have a documented propensity to, you know, snap.

Bridgette: Okay, well, thank you, again.

Harold: No problem. Bye. _(to Doug)_ Oh, and, bye, bro...

_Harold returns back to his apartment._

Cody: _(to Harold)_ Bridgette for your thoughts?

Noah: _(to Harold)_ What's the matter?

Harold: No, I'm fine. Bridgette's fine, the guy she's kissing is really fine and…

Ezekiel: Kissing, what kind of kissing? Cheeks? Lips? Chaste? French?

Harold: What is wrong with you?

Ezekiel: I'm a romantic.

Cody: Please don't tell me that your hopeless infatuation is devolving into pointless jealousy.

Harold: No, I'm not jealous, I'm just a little concerned for her. I didn't like the look of the guy that she was with.

Ezekiel: Because he looked better than you?

Harold: Yeah. He was kinda dreamy.

Cody: Well, at least now you can retrieve the black box from the twisted smouldering wreckage that was once your fantasy of dating her, and analyze the data so that you don't crash into geek mountain again.

Ezekiel: I disagree, love is not a sprint, it's a marathon. A relentless pursuit that only ends when she falls into your arms. Or hits you with the pepper spray.

Harold: Well, I'm done with Bridgette. I'm going to be more realistic and go after someone my own speed.

Noah: Like who?

Harold: I don't know. Olivia Geiger?

Cody: The dietician at the cafeteria with the limp and the lazy eye?

Harold: Yeah.

Cody: Well, I don't think you have a shot there. I have noticed that Izzy Winkle recently started shaving her legs. Now, given that winter is coming one can only assume that she is signalling sexual availability.

Ezekiel: I don't know, you guys work in the same lab.

Harold: So?

Ezekiel: There are pitfalls, trust me, I know. When it comes to sexual harassment law I'm… a bit of a self-taught expert.

Harold: Look, Ezekiel, if I were to ask Izzy Winkle out it would just be for dinner, I'm not going to walk into the lab, ask her to strip naked and dance for me.

Ezekiel: Oh, then you're probably okay...

* * *

><p><em>Ezekiel and Izzy's lab. Harold is approaching Izzy, who's trying to heat up a cup of noodles with a laser.<br>_

Harold: Hello, Izzy.

Izzy: Hi, Harold.

Harold: Izzy, I would like to propose an experiment.

Izzy: Goggles, Harold.

Harold: Right. _(hands Izzy the goggles)_ Izzy, I would like to propose an experiment.

Izzy: Hang on. I'm trying to see how long it takes a five hundred kilowatt oxygen iodine laser to heat up my cup o' noodles.

_She blasts the laser right at the noodles, automatically heating them up._

Harold: Pfff, I've done it, about two seconds, 2.6 for minestrone. Anyway, I was thinking more of a bio-social exploration with a neuro-chemical overlay.

Izzy: Wait, are you asking me out?

Harold: I was going to characterize it as the modification of our colleague/friendship paradigm, with the addition of a date-like component. But we don't need to quibble over terminology.

Izzy: What sort of experiment would you propose?

Harold: There is a generally accepted pattern in this area, I would pick you up, take you to a restaurant, then we would see a movie, probably a romantic comedy featuring the talents of Hugh Grant or Sandra Bullock.

Izzy: Interesting. And would you agree that the primary way we would evaluate either the success or failure of the date would be based on the bio-chemical reaction during the goodnight kiss.

Harold: Heartrate, pheromones, etc, yes.

Izzy: Well, why don't we just stipulate that the date goes well and move to the key variable.

Harold: You mean, kiss you now?

Izzy: Yes.

Harold: Can you define the parameters of the kiss?

Izzy: Closed mouth but romantic. Mint?

Harold: Thank you. _(Takes mint)_ Shall I count down from three?

Izzy: No, I think it needs to be spontaneous.

_They kiss for a second and then breaks it off.  
><em>

Izzy: What do you think?

Harold: You proposed the experiment, I think you should present your findings first.

Izzy: Fair enough. On the plus side, it was a good kiss, reasonable technique, no extraneous spittle. On the other hand, no arousal.

Harold: None?

Izzy: None.

Harold: Ah. Well, thank you for your time.

Izzy: Thank you.

_They shake hands as Harold leaves. Then returns to look at Izzy.  
><em>

Harold: None at all?

* * *

><p><em>Cody and Harold's apartment. Cody, Noah and Ezekiel are busy playing Jenga.<em>

Ezekiel: Cody, if you were a robot, and I knew and you didn't, would you want me to tell you?

Cody: That depends. When I learn that I'm a robot, will I be able to handle it?

Ezekeil: Maybe, although the history of science-fiction is not on your side.

Cody: Uh, let me ask you this. When I learn that I'm a robot, would I be bound by Asimov's three laws of robotics?

Noah: You might be bound by them right now.

Ezekiel: That's true. Have you ever harmed a human being, or through inaction allowed a human being to come to harm?

Cody: Of course not.

Ezekiel: Have you ever harmed yourself, or allowed yourself to be harmed except in cases where a human being would have been endangered?

Cody: Well, no.

Ezekiel: I smell robot.

_Harold enters the apartment, looking a little cool and collected._

Harold: Hey, what's going on?

Cody: The internet's been down for half an hour.

Noah: Also, Cody may be a robot.

Ezekiel: So, how did it go with izzy?

Harold: Oh, we tried kissing, but the earth didn't move. I mean any more than the 383 miles that it was going to move anyway.

Cody: Oh, I've seen that look before. This is just going to be two weeks of moping and tedious emo songs, and calling me to come down to pet stores to look at cats. I don't know if I can take it.

Noah: You could power down.

Ezekiel: Well, as usual, Wolowitz has the solution. I happen to know a place where there are plenty of eligible women, and Harold could have his pick.

* * *

><p><em>A salsa class. Harold, Cody, Ezekiel and Noah and a random fat bloke salsa opposite five middle-aged women.<em>

Class instructor: Remember the Latin hips. Shoulders stay still, and we sway. One two three. Five six seven.

Ezekiel: _(to Harold)_ I think Mrs Tishman's got her eye on you. I've been there, you're in for a treat.

_Harold is a a little bothered._

* * *

><p><em>The apartment. Harold is entering and singing to himself a depressing emo song.<em>

Cody: _(looking to Harold)_ Oh, good lord...

Harold: _(singing)_ _You don't know me, you don't wear my chains…_ _(back to reality)_ God, that's a good song.

Cody: If you're compiling a mix CD for a double suicide...

_Harold is now taking supplies out of a bag._

Cody: Oh, I hope that scratching post is for you.

Harold: I know what you're thinking, I've taken your asthma into account. There's a feline geneticist in San Diego who has developed the cutest little hypo-allergenic calicos.

Cody: Harold, listen to me…

Harold: _(interrupting Cody)_ I've been thinking about names, I'm kind of torn between Einstein, Newton and Sergeant Fuzzyboots.

Cody: Harold, do you really think you can satisfy your need for a relationship with a genetically altered cat?

Harold: Maybe, if it's a cute little cuddly cat.

Cody: Oh, come on, Harold! This is obviously about Bridgette.

Harold: It doesn't matter. The woman's not interested in me, the woman rejected me.

Cody: Okay, look, I think that you have as much of a chance of having a sexual relationship with Bridgette as the Hubble Telescope does of discovering at the center of every black hole is a little man with a flashlight searching for a circuit breaker. Nevertheless, I do feel obligated to point out to you that she did no reject you. You did not ask her out.

Harold: You're right. I didn't ask her out, I should ask her out.

Cody: No. No, now that was not my point. My point was, don't buy a cat.

Harold: No, but you're right. I should march over there and ask her out.

Cody: Oh, goody, we're getting a cat!

* * *

><p><strong>Is Harold really depressive? If he is, how long will it last into the next part? Part 2 comes up next! Until then, read and review! BAZINGA!<strong>


	6. Ch 6: The Fuzzy Boots Corollary, Part 2

**"The Big Drama Theory"**

**Rated T**

**Disclaimer: I do not own "The Big Bang Theory" or the Total Drama series.**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 6: The Fuzzy Boots Corollary, Part 2<strong>_  
><em>

_The hallway. Harold knocks on Bridgette's door and she opens automatically._

Bridgette: Ah, hey Harold.

Harold: _(stupidly)_ Good afternoon Bridgette, so hi, hey. Uh… I was wondering if you had plans for dinner.

Bridgette: Uh, do you mean dinner tonight?

Harold: There is an inherent ambiguity in the word dinner. Technically it refers to the largest meal of the day whenever it is consumed, so, to clarify here, by dinner I mean supper.

Bridgette: Supper?

Harold: Or dinner. I was thinking 6:30, if you can go, or a different time.

Bridgette: Uh, 6:30's great.

Harold: _(little excited)_ Really? Great!

Bridgette: Yeah, I like hanging out with you guys.

Harold: Us guys?

Bridgette: You know, Cody, Ezekiel, Noah, who all's coming?

Harold: They… might all be there. Or a subset of them might be there, uh, algebraically speaking there are too many unknowns, for example, Cody had Quizzno's for lunch, sometimes he finds that filling, other times he doesn't, it's no fault of Quizzno's, they have a varied menu.

Bridgette: Okay, whatever, it sounds like fun.

Harold: Great. Did we say a time?

Bridgette: 6:30.

Harold: And that's still good for you.

Bridgette: It's fine.

Harold: Cos it's not carved in stone.

Bridgette: No, 6:30's great.

Leonard: I'll get my chisel.

Penny: Why?

Leonard: To… carve the… okay, I'll see you six thirty.

* * *

><p><em>Cody and Harold's apartment. Harold enters from bedrooms, dressed in a smart shirt and trousers. He seems to be covered in nervous sweat stains as Harold seems to be pacing a little.<br>_

Harold: _(to Cody)_ How do I look?

Cody: Could you be more specific?

Harold: Can you tell I'm perspiring a little?

Cody: No. The dark crescent-shaped patterns under your arms conceal it nicely. What time is your date?

Harold: 6:30.

Cody: Perfect, that gives you two hours and fifteen minutes for that dense molecular cloud of Aramis to dissipate.

Harold: Is it too much?

Cody: Not if you're a rugby team.

Harold: By the way, if it should ever come up, you didn't join us because you stuffed yourself with a chicken carbonara sub at Quizzno's.

Cody: Why would I join you?

Harold: No reason. _(Decides to change his mind)_ Oh, you know what, maybe this isn't such a good idea.

Cody: Oh, no, no, no, well now, there's always the possibility that alcohol and poor judgement on her part might lead to a nice romantic evening.

Harold: You're right, alcohol, poor judgement, it could go well.

Cody: Of course, there's the other possibility that this date kicks off a rather unpleasant six months of the two of you passing awkwardly in the hall until one of you breaks down and moves to another zip code.

Harold: You could have stopped at "it could go well."

Cody: If I could of, I would of.

Harold: I mean, I'm a perfectly nice guy. There's no reason we couldn't go to the restaurant and have a lovely dinner. Maybe take a walk afterwards, talk about things we have in common, "You love pottery? I love pottery!" You know, there's a pause, we both know what's happening, I lean in, we kiss, it's a little tentative at first but then I realize, she's kissing me back, and she's biting my lower lip, you know, she wants me, this thing is going the distance, we're going to have sex! _(panting in panic)_ Oh God! Oh, my God!

Cody: Is the sex starting now?

Harold: I'm having a panic attack.

Cody: Oh, okay, well then, calm down.

Harold: If I could calm down, I wouldn't be having a panic attack, that's why they call it a panic attack.

Cody: Alright, alright, well, just, sit down, yes, sit down, now close your eyes.

Harold: Why?

Cody: Just do it.

Harold: Okay...

Cody: Now try to increase your alpha-wave activity.

Harold: What?

Cody: It's a bio-feedback technique, it's relaxation through brain-wave manipulation, I read a paper about it in the Journal of American Neuroscience, it was a little sparsely sourced but I think the basic science is valid, I probably have it here somewhere.

Harold: Oh, who am I kidding, I can't go through with this, you need to call her and cancel.

Cody: Me?

Harold: Yes.

Cody: What should I tell her.

Harold: I don't know. Tell her I'm sick.

Cody: Okay.

Harold: Not the kind of illness that will make her want to come over and take care of me, but nothing so critical that she'll feel uncomfortable going out with me in the future if I want to try this again.

Cody: Got it. So I'm assuming nothing venereal. I'll just tell her that you had a routine colonoscopy and haven't quite bounced back.

Harold: Give me the phone.

Cody: But I thought you wanted to cancel?

Harold: I can't because if I don't show up she'll still be expecting you.

Cody: Why would she be expecting me?

Harold: Stop asking me all these questions, I need to take another shower.

* * *

><p><em>A restaurant somewhere downtown, Harold and Bridgette are busy having their dinner.<br>_

Bridgette: So are the rest of the guys meeting us here?

Harold: Oh, yeah, no. Turns out that Noah and Ezekiel had to work, and Cody had a colonoscopy and he hasn't quite bounced back yet.

Bridgette: Ooh, my uncle just had a colonoscopy.

Harold: You're kidding, well, then, that's something we have in common.

Bridgette: How?

Harold: We both have people in our lives who… want to nip intestinal polyps in the bud.

Bridgette: So, what's new in the world of physics?

Harold: Nothing.

Bridgette: Really, nothing?

Harold: Well, with the exception of string theory, not much has happened since the 1930's, and you can't prove string theory, at best you can say "hey, look, my idea has an internal logical consistency."

Bridgette: Ah. Well I'm sure things will pick up.

Harold: What's new at the Cheesecake Factory?

Bridgette: Oh, uh, not much. We do have a chocolate key lime that's moving pretty well.

Harold: Good. Good. And what about your, uh, hallway friend.

Bridgette: Doug? Oh, yeah, I dunno, I mean, he's nice and funny, but…

_A waitress then comes by and approaches Harold and Bridgette._

Waitress: Can I get you started with some drinks?

Harold: No. _(waves her away and turns to Bridgette)_ You were saying, but…

Bridgette: _(to the waitress)_ I'd like a drink.

Harold: Just say the but thing about Doug and then I'll get her back.

Bridgette: Okay, well, you know, it's just me. I'm still getting over this break-up with Alejandro, and this thing with Doug would be just rebound sex.

Harold: Ugh, don't get me started on rebound sex.

Bridgette: It's just, it's my pattern. I break up, then I find some cute guy, and then it's just thirty six meaningless of… well, you know.

Harold: I'm not sure that I do. Um, is that one thirty-six hour experience, or is it thirty six hours spread out over say, one… glorious summer.

Bridgette: No, it's usually over a weekend, and trust me, you do not feel good after it.

Harold: Well, chafing, right?

Bridgette: Emotionally.

Harold: Of course, yeah, emotional chafing. Hey, do you want to see something cool? _(Bridgette nods)_ I can make this olive go into this glass without touching it.

Bridgette: How?

Harold: Physics.

_Harold then places the glass over the olive and spins it until the olive gets caught up on the side. Bridgette is amazed by this.  
><em>

Bridgette: Wow, centrifugal force!

Harold: Actually, it's centripetal force, which is an inward force generated by the glass acting on the olive.

_The olive then drop right on the floor._

Harold: Excuse me.

_Harold now starts to disappear under the table._

Harold: Now, if you were riding on the olive, you'd be in a non-inertial reference frame, and would...

_Harold is soon cut off as he bangs his head on the underside of the table._

Bridgette: Are you okay?

Harold: Yeah, I'm okay. Did you spill ketchup?

Bridgette: No.

Harold: _(painfully)_ I'm not okay...

* * *

><p><em>The stairwell of the apartment building, Bridgette is leading Harold up the stair as he's holding an ice pack on his head.<br>_

Bridgette: Are you sure you don't want to go to the emergency room?

Harold: No, no, I'm okay, it's stopped bleeding.

Bridgette: I know, but you did throw up. Isn't that a sign of a concussion?

Harold: Yes, but I get car sick too, so…

Bridgette: Okay.

Harold: Sorry about your car, by the way.

Bridgette: Oh, no, it's fine, you got most of it out the window.

Harold: The poor guy on the bike. I had a nice time.

Bridgette: Yeah, me too. Um, good night.

_Harold turns across hallway, but he stops when Bridgette calls him.)_ Leonard?

Harold: Yeah.

Bridgette: Was this supposed to be a date?

Harold: This? No. No, of course not, this was just you and me hanging out with a bunch of guys who didn't show up, because of work and a colonoscopy.

Bridgette: Okay, I was just checking.

Harold: When I take a girl out on a date, and I do, she knows she's been dated. Capital D. Bold face, underline, like Day-ted. I think I might have a little concussion, I'm going to go lay down for a while, good night.

_Both Bridgette and Harold separate from each other as Harold enters the apartment. Cody looks at him assuringly.  
><em>

Cody: So, how was your date?

Harold: _(exclaiming proudly)_ Awesome!

Cody: Score one for liquor and poor judgement...

* * *

><p><strong>Looks like the 'date' went very well... at least...<strong>

**Next up will be the aquatic masterpiece known as "The Luminous Fish Effect"! Read and review until then, folks. BAZINGA!**


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